I’ve moved! This is the second time in my life in which I’ve done so and the first time felt like an extended vacation more than anything. This time it feels different, this time I’m different.
The panic hit me last night, “what am I doing/what have I done.”
Some background. I’ve been doing a lot of growing in recent years. I had been unhappy because I had been hiding who I was for fear of being rejected and abandoned.
In 2006, I met my best friend and soulmate who let me be myself in my own time, never pushing but always supporting and encouraging me along the way. Last year I went to Asia with my mom, a thank you gift for the sacrifices she made so I could have the life I lead today.
We were caught in a downpour in Manila and sought refuge in a church. And I prayed to whoever was listening, god, Buddha, the universe, I prayed that all the good she saw in me, would still be there when I told her I liked girls.
I had made the decision to move to a new city prior to that trip because I was outpacing its growth. I craved more.
Fast forward 6 months later and I had my first girlfriend, told my family I’m gay, and finally got my long overdue promotion at work. Except the girlfriend and I weren’t compatible.
As she was my first, I changed who I was for fear of losing her. That caused a lot of sleepless nights, weight loss and crying to my parents. I don’t regret dating her or even altering my plans to move (I stayed in my previous city to see how things would work with her).
I’m now very clear on the person I want to be with. Those nights spent crying at my parents house has only brought us closer together and made the connection stronger. Postponing my move only made me realize how ready I was for it. I stayed for her and when that was done I reassessed my life.
Last night when the panic hit, it was because of my friends and family. The anxiety of separation. I could have stayed there for them but what good would that have done for anybody, let alone myself. A person wondering what if.
Sometimes you have to trust in yourself even when your heart aches.
I’m moving to a new city/province in a few weeks and I had already started to separate myself from my job. Letting things go because I was told my job couldn’t continue remotely. Then I got offered a short term contract position and now I don’t know how to feel.
I’m glad I have the security and cushion of a steady paycheque while looking for something else but I’m in this weird limbo. I’d already said goodbye and now it’s like…
I don’t know. My feelings are all over the place. I miss being with someone, even though my ex wasn’t right for me, it doesn’t make missing feel any differently. I miss holding someone and being held. I just feel stuck…I guess that’s how it feels when you know your life is going to change and you’re still in transition.
What do you do when you know you have to let things, people and a part of your life go but still feel stuck?
What hurts the most is that my character was/is called to question.
We were together for less than 3 months and a good half of that time was spent compromising myself. A good part of that time was spent in a constant state of heart ache.
I wonder about that night. Did she take everything me related, the tangible and the emotional and look at it with disgust before throwing it away? Before erasing me out of her existence. Or, did she look at it, realize that out of those 3 months, this is what really made the person and this is what I meant to them.
In the end, what keeps me up at night is that I’m grieving for a person that never existed. When you compromise yourself for another you’re always looking for validation. Something that says, “that time I lessened my shine for you is worth it because you’re beside me,” instead of looking at the factual truths.
That if they wanted to spend time with you, the real you, you wouldn’t feel the need to be anyone less. They wouldn’t make you feel you have to be.
To paraphrase Hesse, “what we hate in others is what we hate in ourselves.” I hate that my character has been skewed and I hate that I skewed mine to be with her.
So what do I do?
I take this as an important life lesson. I feel gratitude for the times we were together. I don’t greet hate with more hate but with an abundance of kindness, not only for her but for myself. Most of all, I just live in it because soon, this too shall pass.
Today has been eventful. If i were to believe the numerous text messages and email my ex sent me, I’m a horrible, shitty person.
Luckily I don’t.
Gentle and kind followers, the second you feel the need to change who you are to appease anyone, that’s when you need to stop and reevaluate your relationship with this person. My mistake was seeing who she really was but repeatedly choosing to be blind to it. Hoping that if I was patient enough or gave her enough kindness, things would change.
It’s true what they say, when someone shows you who they really are, believe it.
Where are all the genuinely nice girls? The ones who say what they mean and aren’t purposely cruel. Who would rather talk an issue out with the person than say everything is ok until they can use it against you later. I’m so done with this city. Can’t wait to move to my new one. Just a little over a month to go…
When people ask you questions you know they never really have any intention of hearing the answer. They’re just trying to fill the awkward silence.
The saddest part is how much you long for comfortable silence. Their presence being enough. And when they ask a question with no follow up, you look at them and that comfortable silence you craved turns into more distance.Distance from who you were to them. From what they mean to you. To who you used to be. To who you thought you would be.
This is what they don’t tell you when you’re a kid. That you spend most of your time with people that don’t fuel your fire. 8 hours a day you escape without ever leaving your desk with thoughts of “if only.” That sometimes the loneliest thing is being in a crowded room and feeling alone. Life isn’t in the 2% adventure but in the 98% mundane.
Maybe it’s the 4am in me or maybe it’s the way I’ve always been but all this waiting, all this meantime I seem to be doing, will be worth it once it leads me to you.
And years from now when we’ve rebuilt whatever house you had to have because you fell in love with its character that everyone’s missed but you. When we’ve got a slight buzz from the paint you got a great deal on. When we’re laying on the mattress on the floor because a bed frame seemed less important than a case for your books. I’ll show you this note because while I was waiting for you at 4am, you were too.
Tumblr is a great distraction but I miss having my time being occupied with one person. Being completely sated by not saying anything and being in their presence rather than scrolling through my dash. I just miss…things. And 99.9% of the time I can go about my life, but it’s that damn .1% that feels the hardest. That is the hardest.
The part that misses the way their body moulded to yours. The way yours reacted to their touch. And now all my touch is doing is scrolling through posts. And that’s when .1% feels like a hundred.
Looking for holiday car rentals and then booking it a few days later to find the price went up 50% is the best start to my Saturday. Excuse me while I drive my forehead into a wall.